Mid-Morning Musings

This post isn't supposed to make sense to anyone. Well, perhaps to ONE person. But that's not the point.

It's just that it's 3 in the morning and I'm lying here watching my shows but I'm finding it hard to concentrate on what's going on. My mind keeps drifting off to other stuff. 

Looking back on the people who've drifted in and out; some staying longer than others. Thinking about where I am now - is this where I thought I would be? Speculating and imagining the possible scenarios which might result as a consequence of the decisions I've made up to this very moment. 

I've heard it said a thousand times or more - the world isn't just black and white. There are tons of different shades of gray in between. You know what... it's not enough that we have gray... but all the different shades of gray. Like WOW. Crap. That's a lot of different shades.

At the moment I'm dealing with some new issues that have surfaced, developments if you will. Some physiological, some emotional, some psychological. And decisions have to be made. Choices, contingencies and plans to be thought through. And that's when I notice the grayness - like a rumbling storm cloud making its presence known against a clear, blue sky on a bright, sunny day. 

It used to be that decision-making was something I was good at. I've always been logical and clear-headed. If I seemed to make bad choices or "wrong" decisions at least I know I owned them. Hey, I said I was good at deciding. I never said I was good at making the RIGHT decisions. Those are two different things altogether.

But now I look at the situation in front of me and suddenly clarity eludes me. Gray. It's as if up to now I had been living a life of multiple choice questions. What do you do now - A, B, C or D? and then I go ahead and pick one. 

Now it's an essay question. What do you do now - and give reasons - and evidence - and possible outcomes. Like I said during a conversation with a friend last night, "It's like coming of age all over again."