How much is TOO much

Have you ever been thrown into a situation where suddenly you realise this is exactly what you need at this very moment?

A new task that makes you feel useful again? Or a new friendship that makes you feel special and interesting again? Even a new conundrum that you have to solve and sort through and come out of feeling like the champion you always knew you are? 

See, I often give myself new projects, maybe because I just have too much time on my hands (NOT!) but sometimes the situations fall in my lap. And when that happens I think, I suppose the universe put this in front of me at this very moment because I need it somehow, or I'm at the right place in my timeline (FB much?) to cope with it.

And cope with it I do. I invest in it. It consumes my thoughts. I look at the world through eyes that have been tinted with the stains and streaks of this new reality that has taken over a large portion of my conscious thought.  But when there's a kink in the plan or something conspires to stem the flow of its progress/ development/ completion, I get deflated and disappointed and I start wondering if perhaps I didn't go overboard and put too much effort and faith into it in the first place. 

It's like the yoyo-diet effect except for my soul. In other news... the real diet is coming along quiet well. :)

I Guess It’s Time I Started Playing Again

A couple of weeks ago I got a call from OLPS asking if I could play for a funeral the coming Monday morning. This wasn’t the first time. I’d been asked before. Sometimes the Mass timing would clash with my classes. Other times I’d already made plans or had committed to other appointments and would have to turn them down.

On this occasion I was available. But I was oh so reluctant to agree. It was, after all, a Monday morning – my ONE off-day in the week. And in the morning too! I said I would check and call them back to confirm. Then I logged into Facebook. Which is where I spend my free time *heh*.

Glaring at me from the newsfeed page : a status update from an ex-boyfriend / current friend and neighbour giving details of his late father’s wake. 

Ah. This is the funeral I’ve been asked to play for on Monday. I called them back and said yes.

After the mass I got a call from an old choir member friend – Can you play for a funeral at Divine Mercy? I’ll ask the person in charge of coordinating it to call you? It’s this Friday. 

What the heck, I thought. I may as well. I’d forgotten what it feels like to play for Mass. And there is a strange satisfaction in playing for a funeral - as if having music made it less tragic and miserable somehow. Don’t ask me to explain it. I can’t. It’s just a feeling I have.

So after I got the call giving me the details for Friday’s Mass and organising the forwarding of music scores etc. I hung up feeling rather pleased with myself. 

I later found out that they were cousins - the two gentlemen whose funerals I played for. Wow. What are the odds of that happening?

After both Masses the coordinators of the respective churches asked if they could contact me for future er…  engagements  since I was available on weekdays and most of the other organists on the list weren’t. Yes I said. I figured it took a friend’s father’s (and uncle’s) passing to get me sitting on that organ stool again. So maybe He was trying to tell me something. Mainly that I hadn’t played for so many years that it was time I did something about it. 

And so this is me officially getting back into the saddle. I’ve got all this music in me, I reckon I should give back in His service.

Sudah Makan Belum? / Jiak Par Buay? / Have You Eaten?

I was on the way to work. Carrying a bunch of stuff. Keys still in my hand from having just locked the door. The cabbie was waiting and I was trying to shove myself and all my barang-barang into the taxi. Then my fone rings. It's dad. I ignore it till it disconnects. I'll call him back. It rings again. And continues ...

After I sort out the seatbelt I pick up the phone. Dad's calling to ask me where I am and if I've eaten. GEEZ.

Ok, I know he means well. And I know this Asian mentality has us all asking if the other party has eaten. But think about it. If I haven't... what is he going to do about it? Ta-Pau food and bring it to school for me? Unlikely right... And if I have... what's it to him? Besides, the question gets asked regardless of time of day. Surely that can't be why you're calling me right?

So I figured out it's really all about asking how I am and letting me know he's thinking of me and he loves me. Maybe even misses me. (Although I don't know why... we see each other often enough.)

Yet why is it that we can't just pick up the phone and SAY what we mean. If I haven't seen a friend in a while I call to ask how they're doing and if everything's ok... and maybe arrange to meet soon. If I wanna let mum know I was thinking of her because I came across something that she might find amusing I'll text her and say so. But Dad doesn't do SMS. Which means I can't send him constant messages to let him know I'm thinking of him. I also can't just pick up the phone and call him cos half the time he doesn't have his mobile phone with him. So how else am I going to let him know that he's in my thoughts?

This means every time he feels like hearing my voice I try my darndest to take the call. Sometimes it's just bad timing. The most recent call came while I was at a wake. I didn't realise how loud I was speaking until I said where I was (cos his first question was Where Are You) and the people seated at the table turned to look at me. I got up and left the table so I'd be less likely to cause a ruckus and continued talking to dad for a bit. Basically the conversation went thus :

Where are you - I'm at a wake - Whose - My friend lah, nobody you know - Oh have you eaten? - Dad... I cannot talk now k? 

See the thing is I feel rotten whenever I rush to hang up on him. But the problem is it's just SO inane that I can't help but get irritated. Seriously? I'm at a wake and you want to know if I've eaten? Really?

Today I rang him - on mum's phone cos I couldn't get him on HIS. And I said to him, you know if you call and I don't pick up, leave it. It just means I'm busy and I'll call you back. Also, please don't ask me if I've eaten cos that question really doesn't make any sense to me. I know you're calling to ask if I'm ok and to let me know you love me. So why can't we just say what we mean?  (I hope he gets it.) 

So now you're all asking "If you know what it is, why get so worked up?"

The answer is I DON'T KNOW. Every time I hear that question I don't know what to say. Well, yes dad, I ate 3 hours ago at lunch time. And since it's 5pm now I'm not sure what is it you're expecting me to have eaten - lunch or dinner? So do I say yes? Or do I say not yet? Or do I just disregard the actual question and give him a YES every time he asks? That's just stupid as far as my logical understanding is concerned. If we're going to be asking the same question and getting the same response regardless of the facts, so as to satisfy the need to connect KNOWING that what he really means is "I love you" and I mean "I love you too" then why the blardy hell can't we say just that? 

Daddy, the next time you call, just say "Hi girl, how are you?" and I'll say "I'm fine, I love you too". There. Was that so difficult?

Scratched

I met a bloke a couple of Fridays ago. We flirted, he got my number and I left.

The next day we had a conversation via SMS and he asked if I wanted to do dinner. I agreed. But he did say he'd have to confirm later in the day as his friend had driven off with his bag in the car the night before and he was supposed to meet him to collect it.

At 630pm he sent me a message saying he hadn't heard from his friend yet so he was gonna stay home and keep trying. 

Sure, I said. No worries. But I'm really thinking - hey, it's a bag. Couldn't you come out for dinner anyway and collect it later on? *Shrug* Whatever, right?

Over the weeks that followed we kept up an SMS conversation off and on... yesterday he asked why we never talked on the fone, and only communicated via text message. I said "Cos you never call, silly."

He did after that. We chatted for the duration of my bus ride to Simei and then I hung up. He said he had a dinner to attend that evening but should be done around 8pm. Asked if I wanted to meet up and hang out... I said sure. I didn't have anything else to do anyway. Although I did say I didn't intend to stay out late since I had classes early today. 

Well, 8pm came and went and there was no call, no text, no nothing. 

So at 1130pm I shot off a message saying this was the 2nd time he'd arranged for us to go out and never made it. 

At 645am this morning I got a text saying, "OMG I did it again, damn, man I was drunk and fell asleep babe. They made me down shot after shot. I'm really sorry baby, I'll make it up to you k?"

Well, no. Not ok. 

My reply was to the point. 

"Yeah, well, I told you I wasn't looking for just fun and good times and a random hook up. And if you can't keep an appointment - even a tentative one - without so much as the courtesy of calling / texting to cancel, then I'm out. It's just not my style."

And that's the truth of it - no common basic decency to let me know you've changed your mind (or your plans). So if you don't respect my time then I'm scratching you off my list. Tough sheeeet dude.