Saturday, December 10, 2011

Single Again

For most of my adult life I've been either attached or "involved" with someone. I could mention a few pockets of "singlehood" in between, here and there, but the periods are too short and too sporadic to count for anything much.

The outcome of that is I'm not altogether myself anymore, since I lose a little bit of me with each new fella I date... call me overly accommodating... or stupid (I know more than a few people who'll be nodding in agreement here) but I tend to forget that I'm important too. So I bend over backwards and forget who I really am, what I really want, where I really want to go. 

A month and a half ago I found myself suddenly single again. I moped for a few weeks. And with the help of old friends - and some new ones  - I managed to bounce back...with a vengeance it seems.

Things are suddenly so clear and obvious. I'm back to being my no-nonsense self, I've found a little bit of the confidence I lost over time, I walk taller, sit straighter and I'm looking the world in the face again! Thanks guys... CH, GL, DJ, JL.. you've all been wonderful, wonderful friends. And you KNOW I couldn't have done it without you!

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Acceptance

It has been a rather trying year for me. I'll be glad for it to come to an end so that I can begin next year without burdens and unfinished business.

But why wait till next year? Today. Today will be the start of a new year. A new tomorrow. A new hope. I sound like a Star Wars movie title...

In the past it was all about bending over backwards, being careful not to rock the boat. Well, that boat has been slowly taking on water and eventually I found myself up to my eyeballs in murky water littered with debris and filth.  So maybe instead of not rocking the boat, I should be vigilant and tell myself it's okay to abandon ship. After all, if patching up the holes doesn't help, then no matter how I try and maintain balance and no matter how I keep still, it will still fill up eventually and I'll sink right along with it.

So here's to new tomorrows, new hopes and new dreams. The past ends now. Let the future begin.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Venting

I haven't written in ages. I apologise.

I'm back cos I need an outlet to vent. So if you're not interested don't read this.

But if you ARE curious as to what happened - here it is.

Fact : I was very upfront about what I wanted out of this relationship. He assured me that he was on the same page. Over time he couldn't keep up with the demands of having a girlfriend - and it's nothing fantastical I assure you.

I on the other hand, wasn't completely sold on the idea that we would only ever go where he wanted and when he wanted. I was never involved in any of the decision making, and invitations ended up sounding something like "I'm going here with XYZ.. you're invited... if you don't wanna come it's ok... I'll go by myself".

Whatever happened to "hey, XYZ asks if we wanna go here... how? shall we?"

Chances are (as is my way) I'll say yes. But on the off chance I don't feel like going out it is also very likely that the answer will be "I don't feel like going out, but you go lah.." The end result would be the same. I recognise this. So I let it go. But really, a bit of consideration would have been nice.

Point of contention 2 - We hardly met for dinner, we definitely didn't spend weekends together except for when he rolls up post-dinner, stays over then splits the next morning (either cos he has to fulfil his saturday morning obligation or I have to work on sunday) and again, I was never part of the when-we're-meeting decisions.

In our 8 months together we saw less than 10 movies together (so far I count Johnny English, Transformers 3, Hangover 2, No Strings Attached and Midnight in Paris....) spent maybe 3 whole days together (Nat'l Day, that one Wed I was off and he took leave, and the recent Flyer excursion) and he walked out on the relationship 3 times.

So, Mr Ex-Boyfriend, You say I'm trying to control your life - you say I'm expecting you to behave like we're ALREADY married when it's been barely a year... well, then you shouldn't have been doing things that you think husbands do like buying groceries (once a week you insisted) and household appliances (fan) and furnishings (bedsheets). You shouldn't have planned the wedding or the honeymoon destination.

Here's a tip - if you're not ready to commit - don't get involved.

And sure as hell don't behave like you're already married. Where was the wining and the dining? Where was the dating? Where was the sweet nothings, walks on the beach, romantic notes, flowers and gifts?

Your words - you wanted to consider carefully if you had the time, energy and capability to invest in a jewel and keep it shiny and polished and provide all that it needs... guess we know that answer.

Oh and here's another tip - you can't keep your family and your relationship separate without eventually totally losing one or the other.

Monday, June 6, 2011

Crossroads

I think it was the title of a Bon Jovi album. It never occurred to me just how difficult making a decision could be.

On the one hand there is the familiar. But with all the good familiar, comes the bad familiar. And while it would be so easy to choose what I know, it would also be going against every bit of common sense. On the other hand, there is the promise of discovery and newness. My head is spinning from having to make a choice. 

But the fact that I'm not choosing to make a U-turn speaks volumes. It would seem I HAVE chosen, wouldn't it?

For now, all I'm saying is that I deserve my one last chance too. So that's what I'm choosing.

Thursday, April 28, 2011

I realise...

... that people don't usually say what they mean, or mean what they say

... what I wanted then is very different from what I want now

... if you keep looking for that "thing" that you think will bring you happiness, you'll never be happy

... I've been losing for so long that I don't believe I could ever win

... no matter how awesome you think your friends are, they can surprise you with even more awesome-ness

... my standards are too darn high and I have to accept that people aren't saints

... I am no longer capable of being the Queen Bitch I once was

... there are tons of crazies in the world

... if you want something badly enough, you'll figure out a way to get it

... making excuses is my way of running away from possible failure

... I used to be more of a risk taker in my youth

... my home is sacred to me. 


GE 2011

It's 8 days to polling day.

I'm not saying I'm displeased with our current parliament.

I'm just saying, isn't it time we had a few more opposition voices ?

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

In my dream

In my dream I was surprised to see you
I wanted to reach out and say your name

In my dream it felt as if nothing had changed
Everything was exactly the way it was

Everyone doing whatever they did
Even the time of day was true to our habits

And yet I felt a tug, a catch in my voice
Something pulling at me
I looked behind me and then I woke

And awareness set in

In my dream I was how I was
Before I saw the truth, the cold reality

Now with open eyes I look behind me -
I see it all
Figures.
If only I'd known for sure...

Here Comes The Rabbit

A month ago I got some news. It smacked me in the face. I thought I knew someone, it turns out I didn't. But I suppose one never does eh?

The first reaction this new information elicited from me was "Why do men cheat?"

I suppose the answer is : Because they can.

Ok, ok, I know that's a sweeping statement that will probably give rise to all sorts of disgruntled comments and wails of "unfair!!" cos women have been known to cheat too. But hey, we don't get caught as often as the guys do!

:)


With this episode, and having to deal with it emotionally, I've learnt a little bit more about myself. And the world I live in. The most important lessons I'll take with me into this lunar new year of the rabbit are:

1) Never to compromise my standards to a point where I lose myself. Being trusting is one thing. But I'll not stand for anymore rubbish from the people I date.

2) Be the best daughter / sister that I can be. And if I have to lose a few battles, then so be it. My parents aren't exactly spring chickens no more. I figure I should always be mindful of that fact.

3) This next one may seem a little contradictory - while people behave the way they do around me based on how I am when I'm with them, (ie. I am responsible for how they are with me) I need to also realise that I am not to be blamed for people (men OR women) who betray my trust and violate my personal space - and yes, I AM referring specifically to *that* kind of personal space.

==============================================

It's been a week since I started this post and by now I've had numerous dinners / lunches / non-meal-specific meet-ups with friends and family.

In the process I've gotten some more information about a certain someone who lost a certain amount of weight (presumably from misery) and has since bloated back up again (presumably since she's happy again).

And while I know it's evil and mean-hearted of me, I can't help but think that in spite of the couple of kgs I've gained since Christmas, I'm certain I'm still hotter than her.

So (and I say this for the benefit of the people reading this who KNOW what and who this is all about) if he wants to have his cake and eat it too, then he's got another think coming cos clearly she's eaten all of it. ;)