It surprises me how some people are constantly searching for topics of conversation. It's not as if your life is so devoid of experiences that you need to comment on every piece of jewellery you see adorning those at the supper table just so you can fill up 10 minutes. I mean, surely telling us about where you've been the last 2 hours while the rest of us were having "teh" would have made for more interesting dialogue.
It occurs to me that some of my friends are willing to share their lives and personal experiences with others. That's what holds the friendships together. In my opinion anyway. Others, not so much. Ordinarily I'd have given up on these surface-friendships. But when they're part of a larger "group" it's kinda hard to exclude the not-so-friend. Take for example, person A - married, 2 kids, 38 years old, ex teacher, currently volunteer for SOS helpline. Smokes, enjoys music, drives like a maniac and is in love with her i-phone. Enjoys cooking, but is too lazy to anymore. Hates idiotic customer service staff, doesn't like that her husband falls asleep watching telly. I could go on and on. In comparison I give you person B - married, no kids. trying for one. 29 years old, has a driver's licence but not sure if she actually drives. Works in engineering, recently changed religions. er... that's all I know. And that's all she's given us. I met them both at the same time and have had an equal number of outings with both.
It makes me wonder what some people think it is friends do when they get together. Do we just share space and appear to the rest of the world to be part of a social group? Is it affirmation that we're worth something when other people want to spend precious non-refundable shouldn't-be-wasted TIME on us? But what do we give them in return?
I've often said this - and those of you who know me well may remember this - I use and abuse everyone. Especially my friends. And I'd like my friends to do the same. I bore them with my sob stories, I share weird freaky dreams with them. I abuse the interest they have in me by telling them mundane things - how I woke up with all 4 pillows on the floor. I use them to amuse myself. When they tell me THEIR mundane stories and feed me with details like how they're so sleepy because they slept at 4am.. hey, I'm amused.
So why is it that some folks just don't know how to befriend someone? I'm not talking shallow acquaintances here. Neither do I mean the kind of friend who is worthy of wake-me-up-at-3am-and-I'll-come-running-to-you status. I am referring to that bunch of people we enjoy being with when there are no other pressing duties requiring our attention. Often people ask each other out for a meal or drink to "catch up". Well, to those of you who don't realise it, that means keeping one another updated on the things that have been happening in your lives.
And if you want to call me friend, you have to trust me enough to share some of your personal life with me. I don't need financial statements or sexual preferences (although that WOULD make for juicy goss), just let me in on some of the stuff that matters to you.
But if you're not going to share your life with me, or if all you can do is try to keep the conversation afloat with a running commentary on what's going on around us at that very moment (hey, I have eyes, I can see for myself) then don't expect me to do you friendly favours: pick up a loaf of bread on the way to our coffee meet, give you that great recipe I got from Gran, burn you a copy of that Duran Duran CD.
I don't lose anything by being nice to non-friends, I know. But I just don't think they're worth it.
YAY! So glad you decided to go for it! And off to a good start too.
ReplyDeleteAs I read thru, I realize I am each of those types of friends to different people.
But it's been a while since I've been that 3:00am kind of friend, or had one. I miss that. The friend that knows you better than you know yourself most times and tells you what you need to hear- even when you don't wanna hear it. I wanna be that for someone too.